(Mars or wherever) Listen, I’ve seen movies, OK? And movies are designed to teach you everyday life lessons. Zoolander told me not to trust Will Ferrell, There Will Be Blood taught me to get out of Texas while I can, and multiple movies over the last few decades have taught me to never let Matt Damon out of my sight. This has affected me so much that I now have sworn to myself that if I should ever come across Matt Damon on a planet, it’s shoot on sight.

Let’s review. First, there is the planet of Earth. Suburbicon? The Informant? Adjustment Bureau? If I ever saw Matt Damon walking around, ducking in and out of doors in a damn fedora, I would chase him down and beat him with a nightstick. You may think i’m kidding, but I’m not. Earth is just the first part of the journey.

Once we have rid him from this planet, he will likely take solace in an off-world robo-colony. Since no such thing currently exists, we’ll have to build that first, but according to Elysium that’s not far off in the future. Once he is there, I’ll take the Elon Musk express up there and kick his ass again.

From here, he will obviously go to Mars. This was foretold in the The Martian and, as that was a direct story told by God, it will obviously come to pass. I’ll give him a few years to get settled on Mars, but only for the express purpose of making him fear every waking moment. Also, I don’t want my whole life to be defined by my relationship to Matt Damon. If anything, I would rather it be off hanging out with Ben Affleck, finally free to pursue our eternal romance.

But of course, I would eventually come for him, and it would be swift. This time, I would send him through a wormhole into unknown space. I am guessing he will end up on some sort of barren planet a-la Interstellar, and there I will leave him again. Per his own knowledge of his filmography, Damon will go down for the long nap, hoping to have finally escaped me. How wrong he will be.

It will be here that my shining moment occurs. It is here that I will destroy him once and for all. And then, I will finally be free. Finally free.

This article was written. Sure. Follow him here @NPEllwood.